Where Two Stand
by nicoltyler
Summary: A series of SR recovery snippets.
1. The Hostage

Where Two Stand

Chapter 1

The Hostage

Note: Don't own them just taking them out to play. :) Originally I was going to post separate stories in the series along the theme I started in the Hostage but decided to combine them all into one story. We will see where the story goes...

* * *

It is the Fourth of July, for most of the country it means celebrating freedom and independence. It means hotdogs, backyard baseball, and fireworks. For me it doesn't mean anything even close to what is considered normal for today, instead it is a reminder of the freedom I lost, of the independence that was ripped from me when a rain of hell was poured out.

James Gunther might be rotting in some jail awaiting trial, but the devastation of his bullets still holds me captive. Holding me hostage in a world that has shrunk to this hospital and the one room I have called home for the last months and a half, with daily visits to what I have dubbed the torture chamber. I will throttle the next person who tells me " no pain no gain", If that saying had any ounce of truth in it, then with the amount of pain I feel I should have all ready been out of here and back to who I was before the shooting.

But I'm not, a month and a half, just forty eight days after the shooting I am still hostage to the after affects, subject to its whims, it controls every aspect of my life. They call it a miracle, I call it a curse. I am a hostage and there will be no ransom demand.

How can this living hell be a miracle?

I made the mistake today of asking that question in front of Hutch. I didn't expect an answer. It was a question said in frustration of the pain I feel, but he heard the truth behind those words, that I believed I would have been better off dead than where I was. I opened my eyes at his sharp intake of breath and saw my physical pain reflected in him.

The silence in the solarium where he had brought me was overwhelming. Then without another word he got up and left. I knew he wouldn't go very far. He never does. But as I watched him leave, for the first time in our friendship I cursed our unique connection.

Why did I curse it? Because I knew just as I am a hostage to my body, he is a hostage to his soul. His soul is the other half to mine and for that reason it connects us. So whatever I feel he feels. He may not have had three bullets rip through his physical body, but they did rip through his soul. Each one felt as they seared their mark on my body, leaving his soul torn and shredded much as my body was.

In my wishing I had died I would have dragged my other half right along with me into the afterlife. My death will not release him from this prison back into the world it would kill him. In my wanting to die I would be responsible for his death. I cannot be responsible for Hutch's death.

I feel the tears that well up at the thought and attempt to wipe them away, but I can't. This "miracle" as they call it keeps me from it. Instead I look down at my hands lying useless and weak on my lap and I can almost see the imaginary chains that hold me captive. How can this living hell be a miracle?

"Starsk?" Hutch calling my name, as he knelt in front of me covering my hands, was so quiet I wasn't sure if it was said out loud or over the connection between our souls. Either way I couldn't look up. I couldn't look into his eyes and see my pain.

He said my name again this time he gently cupped my chin lifting it so I had to look at him. Once I did he wiped the shed tears from my face then ran hand through my hair before it came to rest on the back of my neck.

I didn't see my pain there, what I did see my friend didn't have to put into words, Unconditional love, that was the miracle. He saw my pain and even felt it, he knew he couldn't take it away, couldn't set me free from this prison only I could do that, but he would be there as I fought my way out.

Knowing that love was there didn't take the pain and frustration away, I still felt like a prisoner to my own body, and I know there will still be days where it will be to much to handle, but I will still be free on the inside. I was still Dave Starsky, maybe a little bit older and wiser, but still me. Most important there is still a Me and Thee, Gunther and his bullets can't take that away. He only has the power to hold us hostage if we let him. And we, Hutch and I were not going to let him win.


	2. Standing Together

**Where Two Stand**

Chapter 2

Standing together

* * *

"How can this living hell be a miracle?"

When I heard Starsky say those words it hit me hard. It surprised me; it wasn't so much the words but the underlying meaning. I could hear all the pain and frustration we had to endure since the shooting poured out in that one statement. He didn't have to say it out loud but I knew what he was saying, Starsky thought he was better off dead. That I would be better…

I couldn't even finish the thought because it wasn't true. I had to get away, take a step back, get my bearings straight, find my half of our heart and put it back. So I left, but I didn't go far, I never do. I had to laugh at that, I think 3,000 miles could separate us, but not keep us apart. Even death couldn't, because how can one live without a heart?

From where I sat I could still see my partner. Of all the words I could think of to describe what he looked like the only one that fit was oppressed. I realized that even though Gunther sat rotting in a prison somewhere he and the after affects of his actions still held power over my friend, still held him captive.

What scared me the most was I could do nothing about it. Despite Starsky's constant joke of a Nordic god in reference to my looks, I couldn't set him free, couldn't take it all away with the wave of my hand though I wish I could, much as anyone standing in my shoes watching a loved one suffer would wish for.

But all the wishing wasn't going to change my status from a human being so all I can do is be there in whatever capacity I needed to be, not hoping it was enough but knowing beyond a doubt that it is enough and taking it a notch higher if I had too.

A quiet sob, that I am sure only I could hear, set me back in front of my partner as if I never left his side. As I said before 3,000 miles can separate us but cannot keep us apart.

Kneeling in front of him wiping away his tears, conveying the unconditional love I had for this man… my brother sitting before me, I was reminded of a verse I heard as a boy sitting in church about when two or more stand together nothing can defeat them.

The More was Dobey, Huggy and all the doctors my friend saw on a daily bases doing their best to keep him, both of us, among the living.

The Two, well that is Starsky and I, Me and Thee, we are still here, still standing together. Gunther, his bullets or a million Gunthers for that matter can't take that away. He only has that power if we give it to him and we, Starsky and I are not going to let him have that power, are not going to let him win.


	3. Losing Reality

Where Two Stand

Chapter 3

Losing Reality

They say prisoners after long incarcerations start to losing touch with reality, forgetting what the outside world is like. It just fades away into the background until the prison and the ten by ten room they share with two other guys becomes the only reality they know and the outside world… well the outside world just becomes a dream something people talk about but they never really get to touch.

I call it losing reality and it's happening to me. I've been held here so long that I can't remember what freedom feels like. My only glimpse of the outside is my small window and the daily walks Hutch and I take. I wouldn't even know what day it was unless Hutch told me.

I couldn't tell you what it feels like to walk for long periods without my partner's strength holding me up or the use of the crutches. I can't recall what it feels like to stand on the shore unaided, the sand between my toes my eyes closed and the sun touching my skin warming my body letting the sounds of the waves lull me to sleep.

It's a dream I have had often. I am standing on the shore like I just described. There is a gentle breeze and it all beckons to me like a siren's call telling me to come away to let it all go. They sing to me telling me I would be set free.

Their song is so tempting that I stretch out my arms lean my head back and close my eyes willing myself to obey and just as I am about to fade away I am thrust back into the living hell I call reality.

I've told Hutch about my dream. I had to we don't keep things from each, keeping things hidden from each other just causes more trouble than it is worth. Kira comes to mind as a good example. Our friendship is more important than secrets.

I've told him of my fears of losing reality, of being disconnected from everything I know. I've told him that it frightens me how easily I am seduced by the sirens in my dream, how easily I was willing to follow their song. But what frightened me the most was how easily I could leave Hutch.

Nothing could frighten me more. I could face all the evil the streets throw at us, face the demons of our past head on without a second thought. But leaving Hutch behind, easily forget him. I couldn't do that… I … I couldn't face this world or the next without Hutch. And the fact I could so easily walk away… That scares me.

He says it isn't real it is just a dream. He wraps his arms around as if to protect me from it to show me right now is real, to ground me in this reality. But what he doesn't understand is that I'm slowly losing reality, that he is the only thing keeping me grounded, but if I don't get out of here soon I will forget, no matter how strong my white Knight is the sirens call will be to stronger.


	4. Holding On

Where Two Stand

Chapter 4

Holding On…

* * *

They tell me what Starsky is going through is normal. That it happens to patients' who spend extended periods of time in the hospital especially after such a traumatic event like the shooting. Then you add the doctors slowly taking him off some of the more powerful painkillers and switching meds around. So they say Starsky was bound to become disorientated but it is temporary.

My heart wants me to scream at them and get mad tell them it isn't normal, but my mind knows it is true. I had seen it once while I was med student before dropping out. Our teacher had taken us on a tour of the hospital I don't remember the details of the case but just remember the patient warning us about the boogieman under her bed and some other wild things. We laughed and joked about it after we left. Now though…no one is laughing especially me.

"It isn't real, it just was a dream. You're not going anywhere I couldn't follow, and you're certainly not leaving me behind."

That is what I keep telling my partner trying to sooth away what is plauging him at the moment. Though I am not sure who I am trying to convince…myself or the man I consider closer than a brother huddle next to me and holding me so tight I can hardly breathe and I know it isn't doing him any good; He is holding on to me as if his life or sanity depended. Maybe it does.

Maybe our sanity and life depends on how hard we can hold onto each other. Two are better than one when facing the world and all the hardships it wants to throw at us, Me and Thee standing as a united front in the midst of the storm. It has always been like that in the past so why not now. Is this any different?

I don't know the answer. We have never faced something like what Gunther's bullets did. In the past even injured we have been able to encourage and be there for each other. When Bellamy poisoned Starsky, he still found a way to save my life, despite the fact he was in pain and close to death. He sacrificed his life for mine. But now…I don't... I simply do not know

I close my eyes trying to hold back the tears that threaten because of my doubts. I don't know if I can be strong enough when the one I normally get my strength from is so weak and in so much pain. How can I take from him when he has nothing to give, and how can I give something I don't feel I have.

The certainty I had a week ago in the solarium is wavering like a poorly built house that a gentle breeze can easily topple over.

Starsk, I think to myself, your White Knight is not so white anymore. My armor is dented and ruined; it won't protect me so I know it can't protect you…I know I can't . I failed you before and I believe I will again.

As if reading my mind Starsky's grip tightens around my waist and I look down to see him looking up at me. His eyes tell me he believes in me and trusts me that it doesn't matter if I don't have the strength, because he would be willing to give me his if not more, more than he has just so we could both make it.

I simply pull him closer and tell him I don't need it, because all I need to help us both through this I already have.

His love.


	5. Something To Prove

Where two stand

Chapter 5

Something To Prove

* * *

Hutch is late. I haven't seen him since I sent him home last night. And of all the days for my partner to be late this is not one of them. This day is too important to miss I've been waiting too long for it. Today I see justice served.

I know that sounds funny but you see besides the day of my release there are two days that I have been looking forward too. And they both involve James Gunther. One is his first day in court and the second is the day he gets sentenced. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to be sitting in that court room and watching Gunther get what he deserves. It almost makes all the hell I have been going through worth it.

And today I get my wish. Today is Gunther's first official day in court; two months and a handful of days after the shooting. I told Hutch I didn't care what he had to do, but I wanted to be there. At first he sided with the Doctors saying it would be to stressful and bull like that.

I told them to hell with that. I've been doing Physical therapy, walking pretty good. Ok so most of the time I am using a big blond crutch, but I am still walking. I don't plan on walking to the courthouse or pacing the courtroom. I would be sitting. So what's the difference if I am sitting here or there?

Besides, Hutch would be there and he sure isn't going to let anything happen to me. If I so much as sneezed he would have me back to the hospital so fast it would be like I never left.

I had to finally pull my best "don't you love me" routine and threaten to sneak out on my own before Blondie changed gears. I know it was wrong on so many levels but desperate times called for desperate measures. Finally the doctors agreed but only for a few hours. That's ok that is all I need.

They don't know how much I need this, I don't think Hutch knows or understands how much I need to do this. I want Gunther to walk into that courtroom and see Hutch and me standing there together a united front against all that Gunther represented. I need to show Gunther he didn't win. That all his efforts to destroy us had failed. The team of Starsky and Hutch is still standing, that we are still here and stronger than ever.

I have to know Hutch's efforts to bring Gunther to justice and nearly killing himself in the process was worth it. I have to see justice served.

Hutch says I am trying to prove something, when in reality I don't have to. He is right and wrong at the same time. He is right in that I do have something to prove and he is wrong that I don't have to prove myself to anybody especially James Gunther.

He doesn't understand that I feel in order for me to get any kind of closure I have to walk into that courtroom, look James Gunther in the eyes and say see you bastard you didn't win. I will live to see another day. And I will get my life, the one you tried to rip from me, back. And it will be a cold day in hell before you see the light of day.

That will be the greatest revenge I could ever have and it will be a sweet, sweet thing to see.


	6. Hiding Out

Where two stand

Chapter 6

Hiding out

* * *

I'm late.

I wish it was because I over slept, but I can't say that because in all honesty I haven't slept in the last 24 hours. I had planned on it last night, even promised Starsky I would get some sleep because to day was a big day. The day we get to show Gunther he can't win.

But a call last night from Captain Dobey telling me to meet him at the prison swept all ideas of sleep or anything closely resembling it out the window.

I wish I could say I was hung over, but Dobey took care of that as well by calling Huggy to babysit me after I left the prison were Gunther was being held. But he didn't have to worry. After I left the prison I went home and here I have been ever since just sitting in the greenhouse among my plants trying to either figure out what to tell Starsky or even just find the courage to walk into his room. I am not sure which it is.

Huggy says I am hiding out running away from what I know I have to do. You know something Huggy is absolutely right. I am hiding out, because in here I can forget all the stuff out there, and pretend Starsk is only in the bathroom and any minute he is going to walk back into the room telling me some little trivia or amazing fact something that in the past I have always ignored, but this time I will make it a point to listen, make a point to remember.

Then I could pretend we are going to finishing the monopoly game we started the night before the shooting that we never finished and still sits on my kitchen table untouched waiting for the players to return.

In here I can pretend the shooting never took place, and then I wouldn't have to tell him that Gunther is never going to see the inside of a courtroom. That we are never going to see Justice served because Gunther has cheated the system once again by finding the business end of a .38.

I wouldn't have to explain how the man who put Starsky were he is today, some how got a gun and took the cowards way out by eating a bullet from that same gun. So neat, so easy and way more than the bastard deserved.

If I could I would find away to travel back in time so I could finish the job I hesitated to do when I arrested him. It would have been so easy to put a bullet right in the middle of his forehead and claim self defense, the man did have a gun in his desk.

Maybe I should have done it but then I would be no better than Gunther. Then again if I could travel back I would somehow stop the events in the parking garage, and if nothing else trade places with Starsky.

What I would give for some liquid courage right now. It would help right about now but Starsky deserves better than that, He doesn't need me three sheets to the wind when I tell him the one thing he has been looking forward too has been ripped away, like everything else in his life.

Your right Huggy I am hiding out, but I can't stay here forever. I Can't keep Starsky waiting, if I wait to long he is liable to hear it from the news or a careless Doctor. I can't let that happen he has to hear it from me. It's what he deserves after all he has been through.

I have to be the one to tell him reality and shatter a little bit more of his dreams.


	7. In the Waiting

Where Two Stand

Chapter 7

In the Waiting….

* * *

15 min…..

When Hutch was 15 minutes late I was annoyed. Today was a big day and I didn't want to miss any of it because Blondie was late. I thought of all the things I was going to tell him when he finally showed up. Then it hit me Hutch being late was like calling his car a thing of beauty. It just didn't happen well not too often anyway, especially if it was a court date or visiting hours not that Hutch ever paid attention to those set of rules.

Hutch was pretty good at his word, if he said he was going to be at a certain spot at such and such time then he was. That's just how it is, unless something kept him from getting to said appointment.

So where are you pal, hope you just over slept or something, cause I really don't want to think the alternative

30 min….

When he was 30 minutes late I was annoyed and starting to worry. All these scenarios of why he was late kept creeping into my head. I tried to think of the positive ones more than the negative ones. Like maybe the trashcan on wheels broke down, He over slept or he was already here just stopped to speak with my doctor about details of going on this little field trip.

A call to my Doctor revealed no Hutch. I called his house but the voice told me the line was down. There was no answer on his radio. Next I called Huggy but the employee, who answered the phone and I didn't know well, hadn't seen him since last night when huggy left The Pits like a bat out of hell.

The negative was starting to outweigh the positive. The top of the negative list was that Gunther somehow got to my partner. Hutch was one of the key witnesses in the trial so it was plausible. As time went on and there still was no Hutch the top negative was becoming my biggest fear.

I tried not to think about it. Tried not to think about why Huggy would leave in the middle of heavy trade. Why Hutch was late and hadn't called. In fact why hadn't anybody called me? But maybe that was a good sign. They would have come to the hospital or at least called if something happened. Right? No news was good news at least that is what I hope.

35 min….

My nurse must see the tension and anxiety I feel because she threatened to give me a shot if I didn't relax. I told her in not so nice and pleasant words what to do with that shot and get the hell out of my room.

45 min….

When Hutch was 45 minutes late I was no longer annoyed. Even Panicked wasn't correct and didn't fit the apprehension and fear slowly gripping my heart. I had long forgotten the positive reasons for Hutch being late and dwelled only on the negatives.

Images of Hutch gunned down in front of his place. The scene of a supposed accidental overdose by a closet Junkie Cop played over in my head melding with the ones of Hutch's body washed up on shore his face gone in what was to look like a suicide "the distraught friend unable to cope with his friend being gunned down."

I couldn't take it anymore and I finally tried to call Dobey, but when I was told Dobey was on his way to the hospital, my whole world started to crumble. All the images became real to me meaning one thing Gunther had gotten to Hutch and Hutch was dead.

55 min…

When Hutch was 55 minutes late I was standing beside my bed ready to search for Hutch my self. When Dobey walked in 10 minutes later, followed closely by Huggy the last bits of my world shattered and the bottom fell out.

"Dave" That was Dobey he never says my first name unless… unless… OH God Hutch!!

"Catch Him"

"Get some help in here"

"Where is that Doctor"

As everything faded to black I felt my self go from Dobey's arms to anothers. I would reconize them anywere. In the past they were protection when I was scared, comfort when I was hurt. But that couldn't be right, it couldn't be HUtch holding me, Gunther got to Hutch, Hutch was dead. Wasn't he? Oh please don't let these arms holding me be my imagination. And if it just a dream then let me stay because I can't face a reality without my friend.


	8. Losing Count

Where Two Stand

Chapter 8

Losing Count

--

I've lost count how many sunrises I have watched from a hospital rooftop or window…five…10…I don't know anymore. It doesn't really matter because one sunrise watched from anyplace in a hospital is far too many in my book especially after the shooting. Watching this sunrise I can tell that it is going to be one of those days the tourist department would be proud of, postcard perfect, a hooky kind of day as my partner would call it and on any normal day Starsky would be begging me to run off to the beach instead of going to work. But he's not and things haven't been normal in a very long time.

Yesterday could be counted as a bad one; I used to keep track of those too - the good days and the bad days - I mean. But I stopped counting when there seemed to be more bad ones than good.

After I relived Dobey of Starsky we tried to get my partner back to bed, but even out cold and sitting on the hard floor he held on so tight to me, I knew there was no way he was going to let go without it hurting him in some way.

I knew because I had experienced it before usually when everything got to be too much for him, a display he very rarely showed to the outside world if at all. Not that he or I cared anymore about what people thought, we knew the truth and those within our inner circle of friends knew the truth that was all that mattered.

No, the amount of intensity and level of desperation to feel that connection we shared, to know it was still there strong as ever and never going away was usually reserved for late at night when the pain was too much for one person to carry and the nightmares took two to fight off. When it was just the two of us and there was no one else around to see the crack in the wall of strength and courage he put up for the rest of the world to see.

I told the Doctors to let me try it my way to get him to relax his grip before they tried theirs, a needle.

I'm here, not going anywhere, it's ok, and a few other phrases became my mantra over the next few minutes until finally the truth of my words sank in and he relaxed enough to get him back into the bed. Though it was evident by his slightly lessened grip I would be joining him there.

Later in those lucid times between medicated bliss and sleep came the mixing of words. Those words where in one sentence he was reaming me out for being late, making him worry and for refusing to tell him why or give him an explanation, I simply couldn't not yet anyway.

Then the next sentence he is forgiving me, and trusting me when I tell him that everything is ok and I promise I would tell him why tomorrow.

Why and how does he do that? How can he put so much trust in me? How one minute he is mad at my actions then the next forgive without a second thought? I don't deserve it, I don't deserve him, his friendship, especially when it is my failures that put him here, My failure to watch his back and protect him from the bullets, my failure at courage to face him and tell him about Gunther.

If I knew it would do him any good I would walk away, step out of his life, because I feel I do him more harm than good. Then just as those voices are convincing me to do just that I hear Starsky's voice telling them to stop messing with his partner. And they back off, but they are always there in the background waiting for an opportunity to come out and accuse remind me of my failures. An opportunity like today…well yesterday because tomorrow is here.

Tomorrow becomes today with the raising of the sun and I know he is awake, waiting because I can feel his eyes watching me, studying me. Eyes, that if I turned around and looked into, would be full of worry, concern, but mostly love.

I don't want to turn around.

Dobey and Huggy say I am thinking too much again; Starsky would agree. Either way I still can't turn around and look at something I don't deserve, but I still do because it is what he deserves, and waiting will just hurt him more. So I turn and I tell him everything…of Gunther taking his own life. Of the guard who we discovered was on his payroll and gave Gunther the gun, of Gunther's last note to the world that simply said

"I win"


	9. Wasted Time

Note: sorry for the long delay in between chapters RL is a little crazy. But I hope post faster soon now that it has calmed a little.

Where Two Stand

Chapter 9:

Wasted Time

--

"I win"

That was Gunther's last written words. But are they true…did he win? When I look at everything that has gone on I wonder maybe he did. Maybe he won because he found away to avoid being punished and everything that he touched, everything that somehow…some way involved him and our investigation to bring him down, became meaningless.

Yes, I am relieved I don't have to watch Hutch go through the trial. I don't have to watch the emotional wounds we worked hard to fix be ripped open again because my partner had to relive the shooting and the investigation before a courtroom of total strangers and the whole world.

I don't have to worry that every time I watch my best friend walk out that hospital door I might never see him again because Gunther got to him.

I wonder if Hutch thinks about everything he has done since the shooting to bring Gunther down. Does he feel it was worth it …or does Hutch feel his efforts were a waste because the man he sought to bring to justice for hurting me escaped far beyond my friends reach.

Though I have no doubt if I asked, Hutch would go to hell and drag Gunther back to face the justice he escaped.

I think about Rigger and all the choices he made, the information he gave, though not directly connected, but ultimately helped to bring Gunther down. Rigger died because he helped us. But was his sacrifice worth it if the man who led Rigger to deaths door followed him through that door avoiding the justice Rigger died for.

I think about the little girl out there who will never have her father walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, about the wife that will never grow old with her love, because he wanted and believed he could make a difference, make a better world for his daughter… for his family.

I wonder, when Rigger was looking down the assassin's gun and he knew he was going to die, did he think it was all worth it then.

I wonder about all of it because I sure in hell don't feel any of it was worth it.

In fact I don't feel anything at all, I feel numb or at least that is how I want to be. It's too much to process and handle right now. I want to push the little button that always sends me to temporary bliss and close my eyes and forget it all. Maybe tomorrow or the next day after that I can figure out how I feel, but for right now I just want to be totally numb to all the feelings I do feel.

All these different emotions: relief, hate, anger, fear, and the feeling that Hutch, Rigger, I and everyone Gunther ever hurt was somehow cheated, are all fighting for prominence in side of me. And I can't handle it.

Hutch wants to know how I feel, but I can't tell him something I don't know. One second I want to be angry at the injustice of it all, I want to shout and throw anything with in my reach that isn't nailed down. The next I am relieved, ecstatic that it is all over…then depressed because I wonder why I am trying to get better… to get back out there if the next Gunther, Forest, or whomever is just going to get away, because of some overpriced hack of a lawyer was paid off or some DA out there was looking for a deal so he can win the next election or better yet the guy ate a bullet.

Gunther's trial had always been a goal…a day I could look forward to. Something to look forward to because it not only told the world but us too that the choices Hutch and I made every day out there on the street were worth it and meant something. That we were not just strapping our guns on for the hell of it, but actually making a dent in the wall of crime and filth we saw every day.

That day has come and gone, in its wake I am left with the shattered soul of my friend and a body that is useless to do anything much less help mend Hutch's part of our soul. I am starting to believe my body will never be as it once was. But I can't let Hutch know that, because he wants me to be the same again and I have to try. It is the least I can do and what he deserves.

And the Man responsible for shattering my partner's soul and taking my life is lying on a cold slab down at county escaping all the punishment this world could give and he deserved. I hope he rots in hell.


	10. I Fear The Same Things

Where Two Stand

Chapter 10

I Fear The Same Things

--

What are you doing Starsk? Why? We made a promise to not keep secrets anymore. No more holding out on what is important. Did you forget that promise buddy? Or was it just empty words partner? Don't you know you can't hide from me?

The whole world, Dobey, Huggy even the Doctors say "See look at how far you have come, and the progress you are making. How much back to normal you are"

Well you've got them fooled real good don't you babe? You have them believing that everything is ok when in fact it isn't.

You're not ok, I can feel it here…inside where it matters most. In that closely held room of my heart where a long time ago you found a key to unlock the door, then you barged right in and set up residency.

I wouldn't be your friend and all the years of friendship we shared would mean nothing if I overlooked what I feel is going on inside of you.

I can't ignore that you're giving up on the idea of getting back to who you were before the shooting.

I know you're wondering if it is worth it. Thinking about the next Gunther or Forrest and worried about what if. I can hear the unspoken questions you ask yourself late at night when you think my heart doesn't hear.

My soul can see the fear that is rooted deep within your soul. That fear you're keeping from me, hiding because you feel the need to protect me from it.

But I can still see it partner. I can still see it because it is my fear as well. So please stop trying to protect me from your fears.

Just talk to me, I'm right here waiting.

Don't you think I am scared of "the what if"?

Don't you think I fear the next time we are caught in a rainstorm of bullets?

Don't you think I know that we cheated death one too many times, that maybe we used up all our miracles.

I do know Starsk, I am worried and I am scared.

There are times that fear is so strong I freeze up and I can't move or think. And the only thing I see is you lying there helpless and broken like some hapless toy thrown away by its ungrateful owner when they no longer wanted you.

When that fear grabs hold of my heart it is so tight that I believe it will squeeze the very life out of me and I start questioning what good am I if I can't watch your back because I am scared of "the what if"?

Every time I ask my mind answers back telling I am good for nothing and the fear grips harder because I can't handle being the one responsible for you injuries or worse your death.

I let you down before, how can you trust me not to do that again when I can't even trust myself?

I am scared I will fail you like I did in the garage. While I hid behind the car you stood your ground and tried to pull your gun.

Dammit Starsk, why didn't you get down, what the hell do you think you were doing?

I know the answer to that question, but I don't understand it. Why Starsky? Why would you do that after the way I treated you in the past year? I don't deserve that kind of loyalty.

Listen to me Starsk, I know the little you are doing, and the effort you are making is just for me. But you can't do that. You can't try because I or anybody else wants you to. As far as getting back on the street I can care less about that right now.

Yes, I want you to get better, but you have to try because you want to Starsk. You need to do this for yourself, not for Dobey, Huggy, the doctors or the half dozen other people waiting out there for you to get better.

And least of all you can't do this for me like I deserve it somehow. Especially when the truth of it is I don't deserve it. If anything the one person who deserves something done for them is not me my friend but you.


	11. I, Does Not Exist

Where Two Stand

I, Does Not Exists

Chapter 11

--

I do know Pal, I know the fear that stops your heart every time you step out of this room, that catches your breath every time you look at me and wonder about our future. It's the same fear that gives strength to the tight grip you have every time you take my hand in yours. The same fear that sends shivers down your spine every time you touch me or see the scares that hide who I once was and may never be again.

I know because it is my fear too. I know your pain too. Only it isn't a physical one like mine, it runs much deeper than that. Just because you don't have the physical wounds to show how much you're hurting doesn't mean you're not.

It's still there.

Seeing your hurt is tearing me apart. It's tearing me apart because I'm the reason. Gunther's bullets may have put us here, but I'm the reason you don't smile anymore. Sure you put on a good show but you can't fool me. You can't fool someone who is as apart of you as the very air you breathe.

I know you hurt I see it with each new day in this dark world we have called reality for far too long.

It's in the tears I hear you shed at night when you think I am sleeping. It's in the lines etched into your face that tells me of long sleepless night of worry and guilt. They have aged you far beyond your years. It's in your once strong hands that trembles, because they are unsure and don't want to cause anymore pain or that I might disappear or worse…die.

Don't do this to yourself Hutch. You deserve more than you know. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer in this crummy world. What you don't deserve is being saddled with a partner that can no longer watch your back much less take care of himself.

I'm screwed up Hutch, mentally, physically screwed up and I am to dammed scared that it is never going to get better than this. To dam scared to tell you because I don't want to add anymore to your shoulders.

I want to tell you, but you already carry the weight of the world what right do I have to add more to it. You already do too much. There are days I want to tell you to get out, to leave and get on with your life because mine is over.

But I am too dam selfish to do it, too selfish to set you free from a life burdened down with a useless partner.

I'm selfish because I still need you. You're the only thing keeping me sane, the only anchor in this storm that is battering and slowly destroying our world. I'm selfish because I am scared to be alone.

Maybe your right I have to decide to get better for me and not because of any one person, but I can't accept that Hutch. There is a whole lot more at stake than me, there always has been.

Don't you know Hutch that I no longer exist? "I", does not exist in our world it hasn't for a very long time. That fine line between speaking in the singular – me, myself and I – and the plural faded a long time ago so much so that I can't tell where I end and you began.

If I set out doing this just for me, and fail then we, me and thee, are lost. If I set out to do this on my own I have already failed because I can't make it on my own.


	12. Screwed up Together

Where Two Stand

Screwed Up Together

Chapter 12

--

Man, aren't we one screwed up pair of human beings. I am beginning to think that we are so screwed up that we have passed outside the boundaries were professional help would be of any benefit to us.

The reality though might be we have been far beyond that help way before Gunther came along and screwed our lives up more.

But if we have to be screwed up then at least we are screwed up together. At least we are alive and we can continue to screw up each other's lives until we grow old and die happy or kill each other. Whichever comes first I don't really care, because the alternative is much worse – being screwed up and alone. Been there done that and I don't want to do that again.

And if we are beyond help then we need to at least slow the process down. We can start by putting the guilt where it belongs- on Gunther's shoulders. We need to put it there and leave it, washing our hands of it. It is too big for you and I to carry together much less alone. If we don't do that Starsk, in the end it will crush us and do what Gunther, Kira and all the others have tried to do in the past. Destroy our friendship. If that is even possible after all we have been through.

I am not willing to find out if that could happen and I know you feel the same way. When it comes done to it Starsk, nothing could have prevented what happened. Your actions no more put us here than mine did. Gunther alone is responsible, his choices put us here.

We all have choices, sure we can't control the choices others make, but we have control over how they affect us, how we react to them. We can let it destroy us or we can destroy it.

The reality is all the "what if's" can't changed it. So there is no reason to waste our energy on what might have been.

Ha! Who am I kidding? That is so much easier said than done. But it sounds nice doesn't?

Either way I know we would rather be screwed up together than screwed up and alone.


	13. A Gift For Hutch

--

Where Two Stand

A Gift For Hutch.

Chapter 13

--

Finally after three months and a handful of days I am leaving this little prison of mine. What makes it extra special is today is my partner's birthday. I planned it that way and he doesn't know I am getting out of here. Huggy and the Dobey's know and they are here waiting with me.

Hutch though was left out of the loop. I didn't tell him because I wanted it to be a surprise. He thinks I get out next week. There something else I haven't told him either. I am going to walk out of here on my own two feet no one helping and no stinking crutch to lean on not even the blonde kind. Not that I resented my blonde partners help, it's just that is what I want to give him for his birthday, something that gives him a little hope in this dark world, shines a light and says hey there is some hope left for the future…our future.

It's all I have to offer, I wish there was more I could give, especially after all he has done but I have nothing else to give except this.

Wish I can tell him say the minute I step out those doors everything is going to be back to normal that I am going to be able to get behind the wheel of my beloved car, my best friend sitting next to me like always and we are going to hit the streets like any other day. Or maybe go home for some beer, and watch a movie or a round of monopoly to relax after a rough shift

The reality, the cold hard truth is that it will probably be a very long before that happens if it ever does.

I don't have a home to go to, we decided to let my place go and Hutch found a "Nice Place" He says. You should have seen the "discussion" over that one. To say I was upset is putting it politely because I was anything but. A lot of hurt feelings, and even harsher words were said that day I don't even want to think about again. It wasn't Hutch's fault he just chose the wrong day to spring that little bit of information on me. It had been one of my lower days, the one where self pity and revulsion over the scares crisscrossing my body are my best friend. Eventually I saw reason, it only took Hutch, Dobey, Huggy and my doctors to help see the light. I can be one stubborn SOB when I want to be.

The Torino is sitting at Merle's up on blocks. As much as I loved that car I can't give the ok to fix her up. Hutch says he would help pay for it. I know for my blonde partner it is a sign life is headed in the right direction. For me though until I know for sure that everything is going to be like it once was I am leaving her there. If I find out that chapter of my life the one where I am a cop is still open then I will fix her up. But if it is closed then it is better to leave her there closing her up with that chapter I can never have again.

Hutch doesn't understand my reasoning, funny how he was the Torino's biggest opponent and now he is the biggest advocate to seeing her fixed. I should be glad he still believes it's going to be ok, because there are still days it is hard for me to believe it will be.

I want to believe it will be, buts it is hard to believe when there are days, even three months later, when my body hurts so much I can't move much less breath without feeling like I am being torn apart from the inside out.

I am glad today is not one of those days. Its Hutch's birthday and I want it to be perfect, as perfect as it can be under the circumstances anyway.

It's funny I have been waiting for so long for this day and now that it is here I don't know if I can do it. I am scared of what is out there and I am worried about Hutch.

I worry about him once we get home, here in the hospital it wasn't only Hutch taking care of my every need though in the last several weeks he has taken more and more of that role. At home there will be no safety-net to catch him when he runs himself into the ground taking care of me, and he would do it without a second thought if I let that happen

But I am not going to let him do that; I just simply can't stand by and let that happen. Part of the reason for this gift is to show I can contribute to my own care it's not going to be all on him. We're a team and I would be a lousy partner if I didn't hold keep up my part in it.

So here I sit, waiting for my partner to step off that elevator. When he does, he is going to see me sitting here all dressed ready to go, like I was sitting on some park bench instead of sitting in this small alcove by the window at the end of the hall on the floor I have called home for far too long. I am going to stand and walk the few dozen steps and hopefully we can forget the reality and pretend just for a little while we never heard of James Gunther and everything is the way it was before his bullets changed our lives.


	14. 20 steps

_To JT - 20 steps isn't that far_

Where Two Stand

20 steps

Chapter 14

--

20 steps, that's how far it is from the end of the hall where my friend Dave Starsky sat waiting for me to the elevator where I stood. At certain times in the afternoon the sun would come through and the alcove would be a perfect spot to warm weary bodies and brighten darkened souls. It was our spot.

Ever since Stark started Physical therapy, it was a daily ritual to walk from his room near the elevator to our spot. That's how I knew it was 20 steps; I had counted them over and over again while I helped my friend walk. I felt every muscle pull, every hitch in his breath that came with every step he took. No matter how much it hurt, not matter the energy it took, energy he didn't have to give, he never gave up.

Who would have thought 20 steps would become so important. It sounds like such a small number, a nothing accomplishment. 20 steps is a round trip to the fridge from the couch, it's a midnight run to the bathroom, or the space between the backdoor of the precinct to Starsky's car.

It's nothing, something I never would have given a second thought to in the past. But to someone, like my partner, who after just five steps doubles over in pain, and that's on a good day, it was something. To someone who was told he might never walk unassisted again because a bullet came to close to his spine, it meant the whole world.

When I stepped off the elevator I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but I surely wasn't expecting to see my partner sitting in the spot I normally had to help him to not only that but he was completely dressed, crummy jeans and all.

My dead stop in the middle of the hallway was all the time he needed to slowly get up from his seat and take an unsteady step towards me. After two more shaky steps I came out of my shock and took a step toward my friend, but a hard grip on my arm kept me in my place. A quick glance to my right told me it was Dobey, next to him was Huggy and the rest of the Dobey clan.

It didn't take long to put two and two together, and everything, and everyone in that hallway faded to the background, it was just Starsky, me and our little piece of miracle mile.

His steps were shaky and extremely slow; by the tenth and twelfth step I could see what a struggle it was for him to even accomplish that. My heart rejoiced, and was full of pride for him, yet it ached too, I wanted nothing more than to go over and take him in my arms and tell him that was enough.

But I didn't move I knew this was for him just as much as it was for me. It was a milestone in his long recovery that we only dreamed about and now that we were here I couldn't take that from him.

By the fifteenth sweat drenched every inch of him and pain was clearly etched on his face, but not in his eyes. His eyes were filled with such love, joy and determination that I was sure nothing not even the world ending would stop him. And my heart swelled a little more. And I am sure the smile on his face reflected the one on mine.

It was the twentieth step that his strength gave and his legs could no longer hold him up. It didn't matter though because I was there to catch him, like always.

There were shouts of joy and tears of happiness all around, but we ignored as I allowed myself to sit on the floor where I had stood a moment before, pulling Starsky close till he was curled up on my lap and I wrapped my arms around him resting my chin on the top of his head.

I knew he couldn't sit like that for long but we didn't care, we never wanted this moment to end. After a few seconds that felt like hours I felt him shift some and I looked down, my eyes meeting his indigo ones and the unconditional love that was there. We never needed words before to speak of that love and we didn't need them now. I nodded to acknowledge his unspoken words and pulled him close once again letting my heart do the talking.

_Yeah buddy we made it, you and I, Me and Thee, we won_


	15. No Better Than This

Where Two Stand

No Better Than This

Chapter 15

Hutch was right, the home he found was is the perfect place - right on the beach, and not far from Hutch's old home, Venice Place, That I insisted Hutch keep. Mostly so he has a place to escape too not that he ever does. And when he does go it is because I have forced him to; telling him I need the solitude, to be alone with my thoughts as much as he does.

It works most days, but all the solitude is allowing to happen in for the negative thoughts to come in, letting them eat away at all the hope of getting better.

And there are so many times, like right now, when I am sitting here on the warm sand watching the waves going in and out, whispering for me to just float away, and I think how easy it would be to just lay back and let it take me away.

It has been over a month since I took those 20 steps for Hutch and If someone asked me then if it was worth it I would have told them flat out it was worth the price.

It had been so long since I saw my friend truly smile, I think the last time was some time way before Gunther's bullets stole whatever happiness he had left, if he had any at all at that point in his life. To see the hope and joy in Hutch's eyes, watching his whole face light up, was worth it.

It was a high that we rode together but as with any high there is a crash. Those steps set me back two weeks maybe more, and cost me another two days in that prison then I just traded one prison for another.

Instead of the round the clock care the hospital provided which I grew sick of, I have Hutch who has turned into more of a caregiver than I want him to be and less of a friend that I need him to be at this moment.

True I can walk more than 20 steps at a time maybe even 100, but it isn't enough. I thought I would be able to do more; I want to be doing more than I am now.

He says it will take time and someday we will look back and wonder how we ever made it. The only thing is I don't want someday I want now. I am tired of the rollercoaster, both the emotional and physical one I find myself on.

I am tired of one day being able to do most everything and then the next barely able to hold a glass without dropping it, much less get out of bed.

Dam it… I am so tired of pretending, tired of being strong, of trying my best, of giving it my all. Don't they know I have given everything this body is going to give? Why can't you understand Hutch, this is all there is, it's not getting any better.

I know you are tired of it too. I know you tired of me taking my frustrations out on you. I can see it and feel it. Your eyes, in those first few weeks of being home were bright with hope and belief it was getting better…that I was making progress. Now they are faded like my belief it will get better than this.

Even the words of encouragement and care that I thrived on seem hollow and empty, because I know you no longer believe them any more than I do. And we just haven't faced the truth that it is never going to get better than this.

The goals we have set, the ones that seemed to high to reach, have come and gone and I haven't accomplished any of them the way I thought we would. We've hit this wall, and it seems all we do from sun up to sun down is beat and throw ourselfs against it, and it never falls.

No matter how hard we beat against it the only cracks or weakness that I see is in our own determination to make it fall.

My friend what are we going to do if this is all there is?


	16. Ignoring The Obvious

Where Two Stand

Nicol Tyler

Chapter 16

Ignoring the obvious

-----

They tried to warn me about what it was going to be like once I got my partner home. But when you are living off the high of those first twenty steps like I was you don't want to hear things like depression, stress, anxiety and things of that sort.

Why should I want to, we already dealt with that stuff during the three months of recovery, but they said out there was a whole different world, that what we dealt with in the hospital was surface level and easily dealt with because of the controlled environment. But outside is the harsh reality of my partner's injuries that we never had to face before. It would be just be Starsk and me. There would be no string of doctors and nurses at the beck and call, nothing to fall back on when days got tough and the nights even worse.

I just smiled and nodded my head, because why should I be told something I already know. Starsky and me, that wasn't a new concept for us there has always been an Us, a Me and Thee, us against the rest of the world when it seemed to be against us. We have been through tuff times before and come out on top especially when everyone else said we would fail. When everyone else said the other wasn't worth the pain.

We proved them wrong every single time and would this time, I mean look Starsky took twenty steps, sure it delayed his release by a few days and set him back some. He still took them, when all the doctors said he would most likely never walk again, he took those twenty steps and tomorrow was going to be another twenty and the week after that 100.

But it didn't happen that way. That little miracle that I was riding the coat tails of didn't happen again for a long time. I didn't care though, to me every day that I saw my partner breathing was miracle enough for me all that other stuff came second or later.

That positive outlook, the euphoric high kept me flying for a good while, but it also kept me blind to another perspective I wasn't willing to acknowledge. It was an easy way to cover up and hide those things I wasn't willing to except one being that my partners view on life was not as optimistic as I tried to make it.

You see while I got up every day and put on a mask of hope that falsely kept me going, Starsky got up every morning reminded of what he no longer was, and how drastically his life had changed. Then he to would put on that same mask and so each day went like everything was golden when it wasn't.

Somewhere in the days after Starsky things changed we didn't talk anymore and even when we did it was mostly Starsk getting irritated at me and being pissed at the world. As for me I just nodded and took it, Turn about is fair play and I deserved every word, every jibe and insult, he was just returning everything I did to him in the year leading up to Gunther.

Huggy saw it happening once and tried to stop it but I told him it didn't bother me that I let it all go in one ear and out the other. But it was a lie I didn't let it roll off my back I absorbed it all instead. Held it closed up inside where it sat and simmered eating away what was left of me.

Eventually as Starsky healed physically I found every excuse to be out of the house.

"Dobey needs me for this or that"

"Huggy called…"

It didn't matter if it was the truth or a lie. That was the worst part "the lying", but worst than that I found my self becoming more of caregiver than the friend he needed. Being there to make sure he got to the right appointment or took the right drugs but never caring if it happened.

I was just cold, hollow and tired, just a shadow of myself.

It was heartbreaking to be living under the same roof with a total stranger that you knew better than you knew yourself. And it was so simple to fix all we had to do was reach out like we always did. But we didn't we just kept going on like that, me burying my self in work and the occasional liquid courage and Starsky spending most of his days sitting on the deck of the house watching the ocean, like he was waiting for it to just sweep him away. Maybe he was waiting for it to happen like I was hoping that the occasional shot of courage would take all my pain away as well.


	17. Necessary Evil

Where Two Stand

Chapter 17 - Necessary Evil

By Nicol Tyler

-----

We all make compromises in order to make the insanity a little less insane to make the pain that comes with life a little easier to handle. There are necessary evils in this life.

Hutch and I did it all the time on the street how much money have we given a snitch for information on a crime knowing that snitch was going to buy drugs. Did the end justify the means when I let Calender go in order to save Hutch's life?

There isn't a difference between then and taking a little extra of my medication when Hutch isn't looking especially when all I want to do is delay the arrival of morning by an hour or two when the pain of simply waking up is too much.

I don't feel guilty when I am able to convince Hutch he simply miscounted the night before because he was tired. Or the fact I was able to convince the pharmacy to refill a bottle that didn't need refilling then hide the bottle for those times I need something extra and I wouldn't have to lie to Hutch anymore about missing medication.

I am not lying to Hutch about taking the extras in order to get by because he doesn't know and what he doesn't know won't hurt him. And if they are helping me to reach the goal of getting better then what harm is it.

They are a necessary evil a way to sleep, to be awake, to walk and to lie down. To stand in front of all my friends and stand next to Hutch six months after Gunther on Thanksgiving Day and tell them I am thankful to be alive when all I want to do is die.

They are a necessary evil to cover the guilt after I looked straight into his eyes and told him the grin I had plastered to my face and the high I felt was because it was Christmas day.

They are a necessary evil so I can convince him, as the clock chimes in 1980, how excited I am for the New Year, in order to cover the fear of never regaining what I lost. The fear that I will never become the person I once was because The Starsky everyone knew – Partner, Cop, friend - died somewhere between the rain of bullets and Hutch's tears as he pleaded for me to live, and what was left is this body that hasn't figured out it is nothing more than a empty and broken shell.

And if somewhere in this shadow between life and death I perhaps find the real Dave Starsky then cheers for all necessary evils, especially when they justify the end, even if the end is death.


End file.
